Last night was terrible.

I don't think I've cried that hard since, well, Lauren died.

I hate not being able to tell him what's on my mind or what I'm feeling 24/7.

But did he really have to yell at me?

I'm tired of being lonely.

I'm tired of trying to please everyone and getting shit back.

I'm tired of feeling like a fucking disapointment.

I'm tired of being a nervous wreck.

I'm tired of all the fake, two faced people.

Fuck everyone, fuck everything.

I give up... You guys fucking win.

I'm so sick and fucking tired of trying to make the best at what's been given to me, and then everything get fucking shot up right in front of my face...

I'm hate feeling all this hatred against nothing and everything all at once.

I don't need two minute friend, who can sit with a straight face, listen and conversate with me, and then run off to their other "friends" and just talk a big load of shit about me.

Fuck everyone, fuck everything.

I'll sleep so good tonight, morning will never come.

Yenno what I find so damn fucking funny nowdays? A handful of people come up to me each day and tell me I deserve better than Josh.

First off, they don't know what's going on, nor do they know what happened. So stop making fucking assumptions!

And you want to know what's REALLY funny? Half of these people are doing the EXACT same damn thing that they're trying to accuse Josh of!

"Oh Hannah, don't tell so-and-so about you-know-who."

Or my personal favorite:

"Please don't mention this to anyone else, I wouldn't want so-and-so to find out and get anymore upset than they already are."

Exactly what kind of fucking horse shit are you trying to pull?

You fucking accuse my boyfriend of cheating on me (which he fucking didn't!), and then turn around and fucking cheat and scam around on your boyfriend/girlfriend!

So do you honestly think you're the better person now?

I have the right of mind to just tell them myself exactly what kind of shit you're pulling, but you know what? I'm MUCH better than that, because I don't want to ruin anyone's relationships.

I'm not going to say or point out any names, because they know who they are. I wouldn't want to "embarass" them.

I'm just tired of fucking hypocrites!!  GAWD DAMN! RAWR!!!!!!

The days just seem to grow more weary with each breath that passes my pale lips... It feels like no matter what I do or say anymore I always fuck shit up worse...

I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and come to find this school year has been one long nightmare...

Josh is gone. The person I poured my heart and soul into is no longer in arm's reach. The person I confided in has vanished...

I went to the hospital today to get an updosage on my medication, which doesn't seem to be helping much  anymore...

It feels like the more of them I take, the more numb I feel on the inside. I can't cry... I can't laugh... And it's become strange to me to even smile.

The only thing I really can feel is anger, the really small things seem to set me off for no reason.

I'm also losing some of my friends... They can't "figure what my deal is"... I just can't take it anymore. I'm running out of god damn places to run and hide to....

Well, well, well... Looks like bravejournal has died for me...

Look me up here now: http://www.xanga.com/pxnk_died

Trish stayed the night last night, it really helped me calm down.

Then today Josh called me from Bunny's cell  (glad we've got everything worked out now Bunny )

And we all decided to meet at the bowling alley.

We did some serious talking too.

He gave me his baseball shirt.

And said he'd send me his class ring and wrestling medals back to me from Texas as soon as he unpacks.

He said I deserved them more than he did because I helped him earn them by being his cheerleader. lol

I'm going to miss him, but it's okay, 'cause I have my friends that I know are going to help me through this one too.

He said he's really sorry for everything that's happened, and he kept using metaphors. Which he rarely does.

He said things to me like "If it took a life time to figure out that rubiks cube in your heart and solve it, I'd do it."

And things like "I would stay up all night to put your jig-saw puzzle back together"

He said he's going to try to come back for Christmas, if he can.

But he knows for a fact he's coming back spring break.

I don't know what's going to happen between me and Josh in the future,

all I'm doing is going with the flow. Whatever happens, happens, right?

Before he left he said he'd stay up day and night proving to me he was trustworthy, just so we could start over again and have what we could've had before. Then with a quick kiss and hug goodbye, he was gone to Texas.... just like that...

Well, I'm going to get ready for the punk show to night. Mucho amor to all.

It's official. Me and Josh are done and over with. He went back on his word and I will not go back on my promise to him, he cheated on me again so we're over.

I think it's going to be okay though. I mean, sure, I'll be upset for quite some time. But I know I'll get over it.

And I think it's also safe to say that he will never hurt anyone else again (ie: me, Stacey, Kristen, etc..)

I wish I knew why he did it all though, what could I have possibly done to him to ever deserve what he did to me?

In a way, it feels like 9 months and 2 weeks of my life has been a complete waste, an absolute nothing to him.

I also wanted to thank everyone; Kitty, Rufio, Noodles, Chelsi,  Sammi, Ashley, Bunny(even though we're not talking anymore), Kyle, Jalisa, and many others ....(sorry if I didn't mention your name).

In a way, I think I'm more upset because I'm afraid to be alone. I mean, I've been so used to having a boyfriend around all the time, and now, there's no one.

Hopefully one day I'll find someone that'll be good to me.

I mean, all I really want is honesty. And not just about the big things (like cheating) but the little things too (example: My hair, outfit... The stupid stuff).

In my opinio, a realtionship is all built on trust and honesty. And without either, you really have nothing.

Oh well, I'm done rattling my brains out.

Mucho amor, Hannah

Today was filled with nothing but torn emotions.

I've lost my best friend due to her mother's resistance.

The person I went to frequently for guidance is no longer exsisiting in my life.

Well, she exsists... But she's not there.... At least, not anymore.

Last night, I cried my self to sleep. I cried harder than when I first found out Josh had cheated on me this summer...

Whenever I saw her at lunch, or in the hallways I wept even harder.

Just knowing she's forbidden from me, and the few selected others, makes my heart ache.

Sophmore year will be hard without her.

Hopefully things will change... Soon.

I love you Ashley.... And always will, not matter what.